Ludwig.F. Lowenstein Ph.D
Southern England Psychological Services
“What’s in a name?” This is an important question
that is sometimes asked. A surname is an important recognition of
a person to a particular family, clan or tribe. It carries a lot
of history and in many cases a lot of pride. The surname of a person
is a reflection of the fact that two people, a mother and a father,
have created a living being together. It also means the sharing
of certain genetic attributes and that the child/children belong
to the two persons who have created them.
One of the more extreme forms of parental alienation syndrome (PAS)
that happens is the enforced name change of children. This results
from an acrimonious divorce or separation and hostility which continues
unabated. Such hatred for the partner by the custodial parent, usually
the mother, takes many forms. (These are covered in other works
by the current author.) Often there are a number of aspects acting
in concert. Each reflects the hatred of one party against the other.
The surname change however, is normally due to the mother wishing
to totally obliterate the father as well as his name.
As a clinical psychologist and expert witness for the courts, I
am involved both with mothers and fathers who have lost custody
with their children and frequently have also lost contact. About
25% are mothers and 75% are fathers. Trying to find a just and fair
resolution to this problem of acrimony between parting couples is
on the whole for the benefit primarily of the children. It is also
however, of benefit to the parent who has difficulty in having access
to a child.
I have in the process of my work observed the following: 1) The
reaction of children is to feel helpless and distressed as their
parents show their animosity including making contact between the
absent parent and the child difficult, and sometimes impossible.
Most of those that are in such a position are fathers. There are
however, also mothers who suffer similarly; 2) Destroying the chance
of non custodial parents playing a role in a child’s life
and providing love as well as guidance and emotional support for
The result is: 1) a child who is often emotionally scarred for
life, unless something is done about the problem of the alienation
of “brainwashing” of the child against the absent parent;
2) The rejection of the parent being deprived of playing a role
in the life of the child.
We will consider in what follows how the ultimate alienation by
mothers works and how it could be prevented by policy and the judiciary.
The ultimate rejection
There are many forms of rejection. These include the vilifying
of the absent parent in every possible way to the child via brainwashing
of the child over an extended period of time. Ultimately the child
wishes for little if any contact with the absent parent, blaming
that absent parent for all that has been described by the custodial
parent. In at least half a dozen cases in which I have been personally
involved, the absent parent, usually the father, has been rejected
in this extreme manner. It is done by having the names of the children
changed from that of the father to either that of the mother or
the mother’s new partner. This is often done without permission
from the absent parent, usually the father, and without having been
given the permission by the court or other legal organisations.
Such obliteration of the father’s name, and in so doing the
father himself, as an equal carer and parent is carried out following
the “brainwashing” of the children’s thinking.
Once the child has accepted the information, which is very likely
to happen, such organisations as CAFCASS and the courts will “rubber
stamp” or accept the “children’s view”.
Neither social workers or the courts appear to be looking behind
why children seek or accept such a name change. The change of name
is then communicated to schools and other organisations with which
the child interacts.
The position of the obliterated parent i.e. the father is a weak
one. If he insists on protesting and considers that the child should
retain his own name via the courts, it threatens the positive relationship
he may still have with his children. This is because the threat
of court actions is used by the mother to create further bad feelings
towards the father. “You see, your father is trying to make
me go to prison. That’s the sort of man he is.” Hence
penal or punitive action may rarely be instituted any way by the
court against the mother’s action of changing the children’s
names. Hence this becomes an effective weapon involving the children
by claiming that it is the children’s desire that their names
Many fathers are unaware of this scenario. Others are aware and
hence reluctantly go along with the children’s last names
being changed merely to keep the peace and merely to be able to
have some contact with their child. What is not realised by the
judiciary is that such vulnerable children will do anything the
custodial parent wishes them to do. The father involved will often
avoid taking any action due to the fact that such children are vulnerable
and may suffer from the result of further abuse due to the mother’s
hostile intentions. Mothers are quite capable in failing to accede
to Court Orders and will make it as difficult as possible, if not
impossible, by claiming that the children are “unwilling to
have contact with the father.”
The blame is therefore totally unjustly placed on the father who
is absent rather than the mother who orchestrated the name change
in the first instance. The reaction of some fathers is to opt out
of continuing to pursue their fatherly contact. This is then used
by the mother again to ‘hammer home’ and to show the
children how little father really cares about them as he now appears
to have abandoned them. This is what mother said all along and now
there is active proof. This father has not only been obliterated
by his name being removed, but also he is sidelined as a less than
desirable parent in the eyes of the children and hence has no further
The only other reaction possible is for the father to accept the
humiliation of seeing his child’s acceptance of the name change.
Some fathers therefore accept the name change only so that they
can continue to have at least some access to the children they love
and towards whom they wish to continue to play a part in their lives.
Preventing the obliterating of paternity
There is a way of preventing the sad state of affairs just described.
Those who represent the child acting as a true Guardian ad Litem
should be aware of the manoeuvrings or strategy of the alienating
parent. These include the holding and using of the child as a hostage
to get their own way, and the using of the child as a bargaining
tool against the non custodial parent i.e, the father. Hence children
who accept a surname change should be viewed with some suspicion.
Why should the child accept this or want this to happen? That should
be the question asked. The father should also be contacted and made
aware of what is happening. There is often the failure in professionals
such as social workers and even the judiciary to look beneath the
surface as to what children claim they want or accept. It should
be realised that the idea of a change of surname originates not
from the child at all but from the custodial parent. The child merely
accepts what that powerful parent want to happen. The child being
of unequal power is more than likely to do what the custodial parent,
i.e. the mother, wants. The child, as in any process of alienation
against the father, identifies with the custodial parent, that is
the mother, under whose control he/she lives.
CAFCASS and the courts need to be aware of all this and immediately
make contact with the father to ascertain his wishes on the matter.
He is unlikely to agree to such change of name. The court and judiciary
need to be involved to prevent such a change unless father agrees.
This is most unlikely to be the case. Again CAFCASS and the judiciary
need to be aware of the consequences of the mother being prevented
in changing the surname of the child. The likely response from the
mother is, as already stated, to put further restrictions on the
father for regular good access to the child. The judiciary in making
a judgement can act in various ways to improve the situation and
indeed to carry out real justice: 1) to automatically accept a mother
and children’s account, and to accept the name change, this
however not being justice at all; 2) direct that no name change
should occur and prevent the potential restriction of good access
by the father to his child. Should mother fail to adhere to this
direction, the courts can make clear the following options: a) Father
have custody of the child with mother having reasonable access as
was indeed intended for the father when the reverse occurred and
mother had custody; b) Placing the child in care until the matter
of good access for the father occurs or mother agrees to this occurring
in deed rather than merely in words; c) Carrying out any number
of punitive or alternative actions in order to ensure both parents
have good access to the child.
This would constitute a true illustration of justice and those
that are most likely to benefit from this is the child. The threat
of this could well be sufficient to prevent the obliteration of
the role of the father as well as his name. The threat however,
must be capable of resulting in judicial action should the threat
be insufficient to change the situation.